You’ve had your shallow training and got your badge. Now you can go further. Much further.

Thanks to a new alliance between Big Pharma and the Third Sector we can offer you the truly ground-breaking Dementia Fiends Premium® today – on offer to a select few for now. Relax. You are pre-qualified by post code. You can go Premium.

Premium lets you experience the absolute devastation of dementia for yourself – in the comfort of your own home. The ups and downs, and the further downs.

Go beyond empathy and detached wistfulness. Take the full course of Premium® and you too can experience dementia for yourself. Yes, you. Just like Tim West, the former Shakesperaean and East Enders actor, who has been well paid to say this:

“Premium® is just wonderful, darling. I did not believe that ordinary people would be able to experience those shared heartaches, the poignant laughs and that searing honesty of dementia which celebrities like me and dear, dear Prunella have enjoyed in full public view. But now thanks to Premium® it seems at least a little taste of all this means is within the grasp of some ordinary folk.”

Now you too can prepare properly for a dementia decline, by experiencing the whole process yourself, for no good reason. Of course it is just simulation but we have made it is so lifelike that you won’t be able to tell the difference, especially as you get further into the course.

So get closer. Spot the difference between dementia and delirium from the inside, like you never could before. Get one up on a fully-trained healthcare professional who so often can’t.

Follow your dream. Walk the new Premium® pathway, approved by all sorts of official-sounding organisations with dementia in their title, and lots and lots of medical professionals, who really have nothing to gain whatsoever in any way at all, at any time, from Premium®.

Just like real dementia:

· There is no need to have a time-consuming medical beforehand. We give you a Parker pen or an M&S voucher instead just for enquiring

· And no need to talk to your GP. In fact best not to – just in case you don’t get a diagnosis, as many GPs know, because they just know, that it would really not be in your interests.

· You can make the whole thing a bit of a drama – and make it all about more than just yourself. Get a friend or relative to play the role of a carer. The Premium kit comes with a set of confusing face-masks, so a single carer can drop in six times a day seeming to be different, alarming people, out to do you harm. Premium® really has it all covered.

Premium® includes your four sealed capsules, which you can self-administer at home. No fuss. And the best bit is Premium® is completely pain-free. You might notice some changes in the way you interact with the world, but you might not even notice. Such fun! Which way will you go?

And the price? An astonishing introductory Price of £99.99*. So dive into dementia the Premium way. You know it makes sense.

*Price of antidote to be confirmed when an antidote is developed (due in next five years, honest!)